Tuesday, October 2, 2018

I was Young, Naive, and Just Wanted to be LOVED...


 Hey y'all. It's Megan, the mastermind behind Hedley Family Blog. I wanted to start with my story first with the I'm Worthy Project because I've never publicly shared my story before. And I am the creator of this whole project, and I should be vulnerable because that is why this was created in the first place. To help women out there relate, and help them see there is light at the end of the tunnel. And even though they may be going through a huge rough patch right now... They are all worthy of happiness, and they will get there. I honestly thought I would never get there, and I would be stuck in this unhappy unhealthy toxic relationship forever. I dated this guy for almost 6 years.. like what was I thinking.. I wasn't...

So let's start from the beginning... way back in high school. When he first gave me attention, I was like wow.. He is super nice and he is only showing attention to me and not the other girls I was with... I must be pretty cool, special, pretty, etc. Now at the time he had a girlfriend, and I had no idea. He broke up with her shortly after he met me, and that should have been a huge red flag right there. Also so many girls were messaging me telling me to watch out about him, and I ignored those red flags again. I just figured they were jealous. No, they were honestly trying to save me from heartache. I should have listened (but then again I wouldn't have met my Husband). I honestly believe things happen for a reason, and the reason I had to go through this toxic relationship was to make me a stronger women and to meet my husband (I'll get to that later). 

Anyway, he was a smooth talker, and made me feel like on top of the world. And made me feel like I was the only one who mattered in the world. I was like wow! I have never felt like this before, this guy is literally the best thing ever. Our first year of dating felt like a fairy tale, and I couldn't imagine it getting even better than it was at that point in time. 

But I was wrong... It took a turn for the worst and kept going downhill, and I kept loosing my sanity, and started questioning am I worthy of being happy? 

Once we hit a year, I noticed a person's name on his phone when he was standing next to me that he was texting. I never saw that name before.. I was trying to play it over and over again was this name a guy's name or girl's name. I brushed it off and didn't bring it up because I honestly didn't want to ruin our "PERFECT" relationship. So after we got done hanging out he rushed to leave with his friend, and so I decided to log into his Facebook since he voluntarily gave me his information one day (so I was like... what would he have to hid then right?).. I went to his messages and saw that name, and saw they had been flirting back and forth. So I instantly called him, and asked him about it and his response is that he got hacked. Me being young and naive and just wanted to be LOVED.. I believed him, and said okay I am going to message this girl back and say that you did. She instantly responded saying oh my gosh I am so sorry I had no idea that this wasn't you. But y'all she was with him the whole time I was on the phone with him, and messaging her back pretending to be him. Once again I was young, naive, and just wanted to be LOVED. Needless to say he broke up with me over the phone the next day. He was telling me how amazing she was and how great of a singer she was and kissed her and blah blah.... Like really ??? Why would you tell me all of this. And from that point on I have been terrified to sing in front of people, and still to this day I don't always sing in front of my husband ( I have gotten better though). It is just still in the back of my mind that I am not a good singer so I don't sing (because not once did he ever complement me, but raved about that one girl). But I shouldn't let him make me feel that way still to this day.. My husband actually did say to me one day, when we were singing our favorite song together, that WOW... you are actually pretty good at singing. And that right there, should be the only thing that mattered. 

Anyway (getting off topic.. but trying to paint the whole picture), he drove me to school the next day while we were broken up, and before I got out of the car...he said one last kiss since we are now broken up. And of course I kissed him back. Like why Megan?? Why would you do that. Young, Naive, and Just wanted to be LOVED that's why...So I went on with my normal day at school, and I was so sad that whole day.. I wasn't crying I was just like completely shocked and couldn't believe it. Well later that night he called me, and apologized and guess what I took him back right away.. I should have made him work for it but no I took him back instantly. And I stayed with him even when I would meet him in the hallway between classes and he would be standing there talking to that girl. She would instantly leave when I came up. Like what in the world? She even tried to give me dating advice as to why he cheated on me with her, and he wanted to double date with her and her new boyfriend. But I still stayed with him like I said. Our relationship from there on out was a complete roller coaster. We would be really happy together and then we would fight and scream at each other. He came out and told me other life choices he has been hiding from me for a whole year, and I accepted them even though I didn't agree with any of it at all. But I wanted to be LOVED, and that is all I cared about. I loved his whole family, and that is honestly I think what kept me around for so long, and not feeling worthy of being happy. 

He then started getting jealous if he saw any guy's number in my phone and made me delete all of them. So I did. I started feeling isolated from all of my friends, I had no motivation, I quit competitive cheerleading because he was wearing me down emotionally and I had no drive. I felt like I constantly had to ask permission to do things. I only had a select few friends by the end of high school, and that is so sad. Friends should always come first when you are dating someone (it's obviously a little different when you are married.. But I have so many friends now then I did when I was with him). 

When he went to college, and I was still in high school, that is when things got bad again. I was constantly feeling like he was cheating on me, so I would log into his Facebook and see him talking to all of these girls. He would constantly call me crazy, and I was constantly abused emotionally (I won't go into detail of specific things he said, but you can probably can guess what he called me) Then again I blew it off. He flunked out of school, and had to move back home and went to a different school near by. And that is where he met my husband's girlfriend at the time in one of his classes, and so we started double dating with them. And it was fun to have a couple to do something with and everything was starting feel like it should be again. 

And then I swear once he started a new class, he found a girl in that class and got their number. He would even hang out with them behind my back. I would always want to go hang out with him and his friends, but he would never invite me. But he would invite the other girls. And I would find out about it through his phone or Facebook. Again I would eventually forgive him and brush it off. Even though I could never really forgive him. 

But even though he was getting attention from all of these girls, he would still except things from me. If I didn't do what he said or did things with him sexually he would get irate or a handful of times, he would hit me on the back of the head. I didn't want to do any of those things. I honestly wanted to wait until marriage. But unfortunately, he took that from me. And when he would hit me or yell at me, I would eventually feel bad and give in. Like why Megan?? No guy is worth that.. But like I have been saying I was young, naive, and just wanted to be LOVED. 

It just kept getting bad, he started ignoring my calls sometimes, I was starting to feel like I was going crazy, and that I was loosing sight of everything around me. 

We went on vacation with his family one summer, and I once again found out he was talking to a girl and the conversation was very inappropriate. And I confronted him about it, and he brushed it off like it was no big deal. And made me feel crazy. I was honestly starting to think I was, and that I wasn't worthy of life for that matter. He left on a bike ride with his dad, and just left as he knew how upset I was. So I decided to walk down to the ocean, and commit suicide. I called him multiple times, and texted him telling him I was going to do it. Not once did he answer my call or return any of my messages. That's how over everything I was. I stepped in the water, and just started instantly bawling even more, and I thought why... Why would I do this.... Why would I end my life over him.. .WHY would I leave my family behind. So I instantly went up and called my mom, and I obviously freaked her out, but she calmed me down and I knew committing suicide wasn't the right decision. But instead of breaking up with him, I stayed with him still. 

Our horrible fights continued, but  my relationship with my now Husband grew a little stronger (friendship wise). One night we talked on the phone for over an hour, and when I went to college he would constantly come see me while I worked at the fitness center (aka he really stalked me.. and annoyed me.. haha) Then we quit talking for awhile (probably because I was still with my boyfriend at the time).

Anyway, I transferred to a school a couple hours away, and our relationship continued to be very unhealthy. He would rarely come visit me at school, and I would always have to come see him. One day I had a dream that he was still cheating on me, and that he confessed to someone. So once I woke up I logged into his Facebook and he was talking to one of his friends. I can remember this conversation to this day. His friend was asking when we were going to get married, and he said we are never getting married because he has been getting around. He thought it was funny, and was laughing about through the message to his friend. I instantly called him, and I said we are done. He just wanted to take a break but I said we are done. Because I was finally tired of being treated this way, and I deserved way better. Almost 6 years it took me to get the strength to end the relationship. He confessed to me and said he was cheating on me the whole relationship. Which I had a feeling the whole time, but now I am on the other side of it.

I am in a happy healthy relationship with my husband, we have two puppies, a beautiful house, and our precious miracle baby. I feel God puts us through hardships just so we can appreciate the good times that much more. This whole experience with dating him has aloud me to be a stronger individual, and I know at times I can come on too strong. But I am still working on it still to this day. 

I just want each and every one of you reading this to know that you are worthy, and never think you are not. And please get help, and let people know ahead of time that you need help to get out of the relationship. Your life, sanity, mind, body, and life deserves to have a beautiful healthy life. You are each so beautiful and I want you to know you are not alone. And if you need someone to lean on and talk to... I am hear for all of you. 

((Now I did leave out a lot of details of how my husband came back into my life after this relationship ended. If you want to hear about how he was my saving grace. Just let me know! But I was worried this post would be way too long. ))

Much love to you all
<3 Megan



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