Thursday, October 4, 2018

Perfect Love Went South x2

Meet Jessie 

//This is her raw uncensored story//

Hey there everyone!

My name is Jessie Gault, I’m 21 years old and I wanted to share my journey to finding my self worth with you! Over the last year, I have fully recovered from two very toxic relationships.

 I was 16 years old, still in high school and about to homeschool for my junior year when I found my first love. It was your typical puppy love so obsessed with each other and inseparable, it was perfect. But at such a young age I didn’t realize how wrapped up in this guy I was. He was my first official boyfriend and I was over the moon about it and him. It seemed perfect! and a year later, three months before my 18th birthday, I found myself in market square with him down on one knee, my best friend beside me having known the whole time, and I said yes. 17 years old, not a clue as to what I was doing or where I was headed. Fast forward to my birthday when I move in with him. I went completely against my parents request, packed all my stuff up and moved in with my fiancé barely working part time making $8 an hour. Everything about the scenario was headed south, but I was so blinded. Fast forward to me moving out and into my mamaws, because yes, he left me. Everyone was right, I was ashamed and at rock bottom. This boy I had made the center of my world broke my heart into thousands of little pieces. Now you guys, this is where it sucks to admit. I hit rock bottom, I was depressed and I was suicidal because I put all of my worth, every single ounce of myself into this guy that just walked away. There are many reasons as to why he left, some being actually my fault but all I told myself was that I wasn’t worthy enough and that’s why he didn’t stay. That’s why he didn’t look back. 

For a couple months I wasn’t eating or sleeping, I stopped showing up to my job I absolutely loved and worked for basically nothing because I loved it that much, I didn’t bathe cause I didn’t trust myself around a tub of water, I was having suicide nightmares and would go sit and look off bridges in the middle of the night. I had sincerely lost myself and the want to live. The want to be. Next thing I knew I had made friends with a girl who was the “it” girl, popular, partied and talked to all the guys. Soon enough alcohol and boys became my aid. I was heavily drinking while staying out until the wee hours of the morning, but mind you was on and off still sleeping with my ex fiancé because I thought my body could win him back over when I see now he just used me to have his consistent sex. There were times I remember even being done and just laying there crying while he sat there because I knew he wasn’t going to take me back, but I refused to admit to myself the truth in that and told myself he could indeed want me back next time. After several blow out fights and begging to get back together I had my last straw, and I called the quits for good. The next morning I finally took the ring off, and I agreed to go out with a co worker that I had been obviously suggestive with in the midst of all the fighting with my fiancé. I confided in this guy about our issues, even went to pick him up from a bar and went to his apartment and made mistakes I wish I could take back. 

But once I walked away from my fiancé I had a fling already in the making the very next day. There were an unbelievable amount of red flags I saw from the get go but at the time I was just taking any attention I could get to distract me from what I was trying to get over. We “talked” for several weeks and next thing I knew we were dating and I had a new attachment. I took no time at all to make someone else my main focus. As time went on I noticed how much energy and effort I was putting into this guy to feel good enough for him. There was an almost 5 year age gap and I was trying so dang hard to be what he wanted. I did things sexually I would never again do in a million years which is really hard to admit, but when that stuff seems to make your significant other the happiest it’s what you do right? I only felt most wanted when I didn’t have any clothes on. I only felt pretty when I had on a full face of make up and hair done cause that was the only time he’d tell me. I busted my butt to keep his apartment clean, his dog taken care of, dinners cooked and keeping him pleased in bed because I knew I wasn’t like the other girls he saw in his life getting their college degrees, but maybe he’d see how good of a wife/mom I could be, because he knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom, yet I knew he wanted a wife with a degree. Soon I realized there was really no emotional or mental effort from him. He bought all the dinners, showered me with all the alcohol and sex I could take, heck he even helped me with rent once (only with much hesitation and making it very clear he wouldn’t do it again). It just took me several months to see that what he idolized was money and sex. 

I remember getting a message from one of his “best friends” girlfriend telling me I needed to get out of the relationship ASAP because he talked so much about me behind my back on how “annoying and childish” I was. And the crazy thing was he had warned me she specifically was going to try and make him look bad. So of course I told him everything she said to me, and he quickly and successfully convinced me she was wrong, just trying to manipulate us. I then changed everything about myself and silenced a huge part of me to be what he was okay with. All the little things about me that make me Jessie Gault he didn’t like. So I was always acting like someone I wasn’t. I even dyed my hair blonde because all he could talk about to was blondes were his favorite. I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing with my life, and all of his mind games drove me crazy. The way he always hid his phone, the times I’d catch him looking at other girls or even the times he’d ask me if we could go to the joe to, and I quote “pick up a hot blonde”, the times he would delete my comments on his pictures or like girls pictures I didn’t feel comfortable with him associating with but he wasn’t even liking mine. He’d flip things on me it was my fault, and he would literally storm out of rooms and throw a fit and ignore me over minor things. It all made me feel so small. I was so wrapped up in impressing him that I failed to see for myself that there was nothing I could do to be enough.. for him! 

Both relationships though you guys, was it really all their fault that I was broken? Was it all their fault that I was lost and beaten down? Not entirely. They were indeed the creators of all the issues and the insecurities, but I struggled and I was beaten because I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know that I was worth more than to put my identity and happiness solely on someone else. I didn’t know I was worth more than a steady sex partner for someone. I didn’t know that I was worth more than the sexual favors I thought were what made me good enough. I was worth more than the dozens of nights crying myself to a sick short sleep. I was worth more than suicidal thoughts and empty screams into the dark. It’s been over two years since the second relationship ended and 11 months ago, I still didn’t know my worth. I was going from guy to guy, still thinking my body was what would get me a keeper, HA. I was still in a very intense battle with suicidal thoughts on top of major changes with our family in our home, I was very very ill from my anxiety and depression from a traumatic long lasting experience with my old best friend, I was still single when both of those guys had the girlfriends they got immediately after we fell off (karma) and I was then hating myself cause if they found something so fast why couldn’t I?

 Well on October 22, 2017 I was ready to cry out for help. I vividly remember being in the bathroom throwing up because my body was so used to throwing up every day from that traumatic experience I mentioned that it was still rejecting most everything I consumed. I remember punching the cabinet and crying asking God why my life was so sad, why was my life so messed up and why was I not enough for anyone. I just kept shaking, hyperventilating asking why why why why why when I immediately stopped. Instantly an old childhood church leader came to mind, and I went out on a limb and messaged her. I was honest that life had gotten the best of me and that I was beaten down, and so desperately wanted to find peace again. I knew Jesus gave peace, and after trying all the world had to offer in replacement of Him, I finally gave Him my attention. One of my greatest blessings in life was my sweet Lisa agreeing to meet with me and mentor me. From that day to today I can testify Jesus saves. After almost three and a half years of denying Him constantly for what the world had to offer, I finally decided to pursue Him. 

I wasn’t and still am not perfect but he so obviously placed an undeniable peace in my heart and soul. Sooner than later I noticed I was becoming internally happy and that I wasn’t really acting out anymore. The first step was finally deciding to respect my body and I wasn’t having toxic unhealthy hookups, which led to guys falling off quicker than usual so I always saw what their intentions were when I didn’t give them that, and ladies the confidence you gain from saying no is absolutely incredible, and gets easier as time goes on. I stopped drinking for a long time because I was at a point where I mentally had no limit and always went too far, so my body was thanking me more and more and now I have a whole lot of self control. But the best part of this whole journey is not only did I find peace and clarity in letting go from the past, but Jesus has so obviously shown me when He’s working in my life and shown me He is in control. 

The second I gave Him my heart again He immediately started to work in me a confidence and a peace that could only come from Him, and THAT is where I saw my worth. I felt His love surrounding me and I saw how many times He had carried me into the next day when I didn’t think I would or didn’t want to make it. He showed me how in control He had really been in all of my trials, but guys He didn’t intentionally put me through those things for a hard learned lesson, no. He allowed me to go through those trials so I would grow and become who I am today in Him because of those trials. He allowed me to go through those moments so I could look back and see that I made it through them when I didn’t think I could, and that He would indeed carry me through all the up coming moments life would for sure throw at me. Those nights I would cry myself to sleep, I wasn’t finding the peace I do now through prayer. The days I was ranting to the fake friends I had, I wasn’t getting the Godly, healthy advice I receive from Lisa who sincerely has MY best interest in heart, not hers. 

I look back on those days and see now only TWO of the couple dozen girls I associated with would be worth while, and those two friends gave me advice and answers I didn’t want to hear so I’d just let it blow right over my head. If it weren’t for reconnecting my relationship with Jesus I would still most likely be a heavy drinker and would not be committed to a full time job. Now I am able to bite my tongue when I used to let it attack people, I’m able to breathe through my anger instead of becoming violent, I am able to have a good relationship with my family members when I just kept them at a distance, I no longer have my reoccurring suicide dream, I am able to feel Jesus speaking life into me while I study His amazing word with Lisa, like y’all my life is completely different and I am a whole new person with a whole new spirit.

 I look at myself in the mirror now and I am proud when I used to not even look at myself because I would just stand there and cry. I am able to talk about my insecurities with my now AMAZING boyfriend who first listens to my wants/needs and then actually acts on them to keep me happy and feeling secure. There’s just so much change in me that I can’t even begin to shout loud enough the recognition of it being because of Jesus Christ mine and YOUR amazing Lord and savior. Anything that tears you down is simply the devils effort in trying to win you over. No relationship is perfect or easy whether it’s family, friends or significant others. But when you have a healthy relationship with Jesus and confide in Him about those struggles your relationship is having I promise He will either close the door to that person, or He will allow it to continue because there’s still more to take and learn from it. No relationship should ever hold you back from learning, maturing and becoming who He intended for you to be. But He is waiting for you. He is waiting for when you and your heart are ready to commit to Him, and then is when you will start to see Him working, see Him answering your prayers and weaving people in and out of your life. He will show you how much He loves you and how much he finds you worthy of His love. Peace He leaves with you, Peace He will give to you unlike the world does.

Her testimony was so raw and vulnerable. I just hope her story helps some many of you out there. Where she is in life now is truly amazing. Jesus has his hand on her, and it is so beautiful to watch. So thankful she wanted to share her story! 

If any of y'all want to share your story please contact me through my email, or private message me on Instagram. And if you are in the Knoxville area, you are able to participate in the Happiness Photoshoot. 


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